Halloween = homeless kids

Crappy Halloween Give-away ideas:

The other day I was sitting around and thinking of the absolute absurdity of Halloween. Think about it for a second. A bunch of little kids dress up in cheap plastic outfits and expect me to give them free candy. Well, guess what kids, nothing is ever free. Life does not reward people who dress funny and go around begging people for handouts. 364 days out of the year we call that being homeless. This has to stop. That’s why I think that everyone should discourage such detrimental behavior by giving children negative rewards for going trick-or-treating.

Dentists and old women have had the right idea for years by giving out dental hygiene products and pennies. Even though if you were a business minded dentist you would give away the best, most sugar-filled candy you could find with your business card attached to it. I could be wrong, but dentists who hand out dental hygiene items are either really dumb or ultimate masters of the art of no-fun because they are destroying children’s fun and ruining their business in the process. And what’s the deal with old people handing out pennies. That’s nothing but pure economic mockery. That’s telling people that you would rather throw away money on the world’s most useless piece of currency rather than buy them something decent.

Even though people have been giving out horrible Halloween candy/treats for years what I am calling for is more than just inadvertent fun-stoppage. I am talking about cool, calculated meanness. I am advocating giving children an impetus for stopping this foolish tradition. So anyway, here are some ideas. Let me know if you can think of anything better.

1. Pennies
2. Dental Hygiene Products
3. Kevin Federline cd’s
4. Pictures of Britney Spears post Kevin Federline (that would scare me out of trick or treating)
5. Take them into your home and make them sing a song to get their treat, then give them some lame piece of candy like salt-water taffy or candy corns and tell them you would have given them better candy if they would have been a little more talented.
6. Give them religious tracts…it’s been scientifically proven that kids lose interest in holidays once they are attached to church in any way.
7. Spider rings…who invented those and why do they suck so much
8. Wax lips…when I was a kid I spent a lot of time wondering how anyone could give away such horrible tasting candy.
9. Carry a bowl of 1 lb. Hershey’s candy bars and have chocolate all over your face and then come to the door and lecture them about how they are a little to old (regardless of their age) to be out trick or treating. Then tell them they should be ashamed of themselves and walk back into your house.

So yeah, that’s all I got for now. Merry Halloween.